i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
