No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
