Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
