I'm jealous of your bromance
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
