A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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