Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You left your phone here
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