best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
