my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Randomize
