the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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