so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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