I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
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