I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
