apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Randomize
