When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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