it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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