disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
