oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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