You don't have asthma, your pregnant
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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