if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
