the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
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It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
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The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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