i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
