and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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