I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
