i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
