I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
