Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
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