My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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