never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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