Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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