Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
