Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
