i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
