My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Pants 0. Shit 1.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
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I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
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Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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