I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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