if only i could text you this smell
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
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You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
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Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
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