Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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