i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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