I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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