She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
