"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You made out with two different species that night
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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