I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
