...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
