I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Randomize
