aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
