Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
