The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
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