But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
