im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
