Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
