I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
