Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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