i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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