i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
