dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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