I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
