it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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